Hi Reader,
Whenever I marry a couple through our ministry, there’s a line we say right before the rings and the vows, and it’s the one we come back to more than any other: the love of God doesn’t say, “I love you, but do you love me?” It simply says, “I love you,” and that’s all it ever says.
It sounds beautiful at a wedding. It gets a lot harder on a Tuesday night when you’ve asked your spouse the same question three times, you still don’t have an answer, and you can feel yourself getting ready to say something you’ll regret.
That tension is what this week’s episode of Home to Haven is about, and it started with a simple question Jen asked me: who is actually supposed to be leading in a Christian marriage?
What leadership really looks like
Most of us picture leadership as being in charge, the person with the authority who tells everyone else where to go, but Scripture paints a different picture. Paul told Timothy to be an example to the believers “in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12), and that kind of leadership is open to husbands and wives alike. When I lead Jen well, what she sees is God’s character showing up in how I treat her, and the same is true with her.
Let me put it this way, our response to each other should be God’s response through us. So when your spouse says something that stings, there are more options than going silent or firing back. You can pause, ask how God would respond to them, and let Him do it through you, even if that means showing up with flowers when you’d rather slam the door.
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And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
— Galatians 6:9 KJV
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Three ways to lead when your spouse isn’t there yet
1. Make room before you take over. A lot of men, myself included included, will quietly hand over the reins the moment they sense their wife has already grabbed them. Before you step in, ask your spouse directly, “Do you feel like I’m giving you room to lead?” and then actually listen to the answer.
2. Name it, set a deadline, and let it go. Instead of “I’ve told you three times,” try something like, “I don’t want to keep asking you about this, so can you let me know by seven tonight? If I don’t hear back, I’ll take that as a no and we’ll move on.” Somebody has to make the decision, and this keeps your spouse included without nagging. Sometimes the outcome will cost something, like a missed season, and that’s the moment you release it to the Lord instead of carrying it as a grudge.
3. Go to God before you go to war. In 1 Corinthians 7:14, Paul writes that an unbelieving spouse is sanctified, set apart, through the believing one, which tells us your faithfulness carries real weight in your home. When your spouse isn’t showing up, you can, in God’s strength. And if the season is heavy, with finances or children feeling the strain, seek Him earnestly, even setting aside dedicated time to pray and fast for your family. It is that serious, and He takes it that seriously too.
If you’re the one who keeps showing up, keeps loving, and keeps being patient when it feels one-sided, hear this: God is not unrighteous to forget your labor of love (Hebrews 6:10). None of it is going unseen.
You can listen to the full episode here, including my pushback on Jen’s baseball approach!
Your next step starts November 9
Sometimes one of you doesn’t know how to lead or how to put a plan together, and that’s okay, because there are tools that can help you get back on track. That’s exactly why we built the Fall Back in Love Challenge.
It’s five free days, starting Monday, November 9. Every morning you’ll get:
- a short video teaching in your inbox
- an action word for the day
- one workbook page to fill out
- a practical takeaway you can use that day
Here’s why the timing matters. In a few weeks the calendar fills up with travel, family, gifts, and obligations, everyone gets tired, and marriages quietly slide into autopilot right when you’re spending the most time together. Five days now gives you a foundation before the noise starts instead of a cleanup project in January.
And you don’t need your spouse to sign up with you. Everything in this email is about leading when the other person isn’t there yet, and this challenge was built for the one who’s ready. If your spouse joins you, wonderful; if not, you start, and we’ll be praying they’re beside you by day five. Whether your marriage is coasting, needs a boost, or honestly needs resuscitation, this is a good week to invest in it.
Pray first. Plan together. Pursue forever.
P.S. If you’ve been the one carrying the asking, the planning, and the praying lately, this challenge is for you first. Sign up here and let the first step be yours.
In expectation,
